


I've cried tears you'll never see

by highladyofgothamcity



Series: Is this more than you bargained for [3]
Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: . Angst, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Werewolf Magnus
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-25
Updated: 2019-07-25
Packaged: 2020-07-19 20:29:12
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,776
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19980055
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/highladyofgothamcity/pseuds/highladyofgothamcity
Summary: I can't, Magnus reminded himself. Control it.He tried to think of something happy. Alec this morning before leaving, pressing a kiss to Magnus' temple. Alec, fresh out of the shower with only a towel around his waist. Alec, warm and smiling and laughing.The cup in his hands shattered. White glazed ceramic pieces hit the floor, causing Jake to jump back.Or: three times Magnus had issues with becoming a werewolf and one time it didn't matter





	I've cried tears you'll never see

**Author's Note:**

> This was supposed to be a 5+ 1 times but I cut it to three because it just worked better

**1)**

Monday morning was a terrible time for your coffee maker to decide to go and break. Honestly, Magnus should have gotten a new one a long time ago. But he'd stubbornly held onto the piece of crap, and in return it had left him caffeine-less and nearly late for work.

Luckily the break room of the office he worked in had a coffee maker. Unluckily, the brand of coffee they bought was shit, it was almost always burnt, and Magnus hadn't grabbed his creamer from the fridge in his apartment before leaving so he was left to decide between drinking it black or trying to get the right amount of milk and sugar to make the taste tolerable.

8:26 on a Monday morning, Magnus  _ finally,  _ lifted his first cup to his lips. It tasted awful but it was hot and caffinanated, so he couldn't really bring himself to care right this moment. 

"Magnus! Fancy seeing you here. Wow you look good today. New shirt?"

_ Damnit.  _ He wanted so bad to ignore the call, to hightail it to his desk and pretend to be buried in paperwork. But he couldn't. Magnus forced himself to smile and turn around, to keep the hate from his expression.

Leaning in the doorway of the break room was none other than Jake Salsburry, his boss's beloved nephew and guy who just couldn't take no for an answer. Or 'I have a boyfriend, back off' for that matter.

The guy was good looking, if you were into redheads, which Magnus was not. His taste in clothes was somewhere in between the hero of a zombie thriller and a Victorian lady whose husband had just died. Biker boots, fashionably torn jeans, a  _ bandana.  _ All black.

"No actually. I've had it for a while." Magnus choked out.

Jake smirked. "Well, good as it looks on you, I think it would look better on-"

" _ Don't  _ finish that sentence. Not if you value your life." Three weeks ago Magnus wouldn't have added that second sentence. But three weeks ago he had been human. 

Now, every bone in his body was aching to rip this man to shreds. His blood sung at the thought of it, of unleashing his claws and making Jake eat those words, and all the shameless flirting, the dismissive tone in his voice when Magnus had told him he had a boyfriend. 

_ I can't,  _ Magnus reminded himself.  _ Control it.  _

He tried to think of something happy. Alec this morning before leaving, pressing a kiss to Magnus' temple. Alec, fresh out of the shower with only a towel around his waist. Alec, warm and smiling and laughing.

The cup in his hands shattered. White glazed ceramic pieces hit the floor, causing Jake to jump back.

_ Shit. Shit shit shit fuck.  _ Of course. Of course. 

"Looks like someone's stronger than he thought. You been workin' out?"

That statement, and the tone, is the last straw. Magnus glares at him and snarls  _ "get the fuck out."  _ not bothering to hold back the predator in his voice. 

It works. Jake turns white and bolts. Once he's disappeared, Magnus looks back down at the cup and the steaming hot liquid soaking his shirt. What would probably leave a human with a slight burn and some pain is barely noticable. If he looked, Magnus would bet that there would be no mark on his skin. 

All the rage rushes out of him, replaced by an aching sadness. Jake had been right, he didn't know his pen strength anymore. He didn't know his own body. 

It had just been a bit of unwanted flirting, something Magnus dealt with often and had been dealing with from Jake at least once a month since he started here. No reason to nearly hulk out on him, to lose control like that. 

He'd wanted to rip the guys throat out. To feel his hot blood on his hands. To make him scream and beg. 

_ What kind of monster have I become? _

**2)**

"Open mine next." A little box wrapped in red paper was shoved into his hands. 

Magnus smiled at his co-workers enthusiasm. He normally didn't like big birthday celebrations, but this wasn't horrible. He had no idea how the significance of today had been leaked to the people he worked with, but it had. 

Lyria had suggested they go out to a new deli for lunch, and Magnus had accepted the offer without suspicion. They'd walked in to find five more of their co-workers, all with party hats. 

They'd also had a pile of presents and a chocolate cake that was now long gone. 

"So, any big plans for tonight?" He is distracted from Rosa's gift by a question from Michael.

"My boyfriend is taking me out to dinner. Afterwards we're going to this club his sister likes, with her and a few other people. Alec isn't really a club person though, so I doubt we'll stay that long."

Michael nods. "One of these days you'll have to introduce us to this Alec. He sounds almost too good to be true. What's the restaurant?"

"Oh um, I don't remember the name." Magnus lies. He does, but it's run by some fairies and not a place mundanes are encouraged to visit. 

Trying not to feel bad about the deception, Magnus rips the red and gold paper off. Inside is a box, which he flips open to find a beautiful ring, topped by a single red jewel flower

"Oh Rosa, it's beautiful! Thank you so much."

The younger women grins. "I'm glad you like it. I wanted to thank you for all the help you've given me." It had been difficult for her to move across the country, away from her big family, to accept this job. Magnus had been able to sense how out of place she felt and had done everything he could to help.

"I know just the shirt that will match it. Thank you so much darling." Magnus slides off one of the rings he'd put on that morning, eager to try the new one on.

He forgets about the scar on his side. Right now everything feels do normal and untouched by the demon virus running through his veins. Then he picks up the ring and only barely manages to hold back a hiss of pain. 

Silver. It's made of silver. Of course it is.

Quickly he curls his hand to hide the angry red burn. 

"Shouldn't we get going? Our lunch breaks is almost up after all." Magnus forces himself to smile, flipping the box shut. "Thank you everyone. This was fun."

Rosa's smile falls. "Oh, yes I suppose we should be getting back. I have some sketches to finish…"

Magnus pretends not to see the startled frown on her face. He feels so guilty. The ring probably cost no little sum, and he couldn't wear it. 

When he gets home later than night, he puts the ring box in the very back of his bathroom drawers. Magnus can't bring himself to get rid of it like all his other silver jewelry. But he can't look at it. 

It's just another reminder of what he us now. Inhuman.

**3)**

"What happened to a nice, classy night on the town?" Alec asks with a wicked grin.

Magnus ignores his boyfriend in favor of trying to get his belt undone. Alec finally takes mercy on him after a few seconds and removes the belt. 

"Someone's eager tonight," the Shadowhunter muses.

"Shut up. It  _ was  _ a classy night on the town until you showed up in  _ this,"  _ Magnus waves a hand at the suit his boyfriend was wearing, "and then decided to get  _ ice cream  _ for dessert. Don't play innocent with me, I'm on to you."

Magnus kicks off his shoes and pulls his shirt over his head in one smooth, practiced move. Then he pulls Alec in by the lapels for a searing kiss. 

Which turns into two kisses, then three. Magnus slides one hand into his boyfriend's hair, and uses the other to unbutton his shirt. 

They pull apart panting. "Bed. Bedroom." Magnus manages. 

Alec shakes his head and growls out, "too far," pushing Magnus onto the couch. The werewolf barely has time to whine at the sudden lack of warmth before Alec is on top of him. 

They exchange heated kisses for another several minutes before Alec switches to kissing and nipping at Magnus' neck, causing several moans. 

"Ale- Alexander!" He gasps as the Shadowhunter  _ bites  _ his neck. 

The hands that had previously been roaming Alec's muscled back clench, gripping onto him for dear life.

Magnus' doesn't hear Alec's grunt of pain over his own moans. He's so lost in pleasure he doesn't register the loss of control, his own nails lengthening and sharpening.

He doesn't even realize something is wrong until Alec pulls back. 

"Mmm, why'd you stop?" He cracks his eyes open. 

There's a weird expression on Alec's face. "What is it?"

"Um, babe. Could you...let go?"

Confused, Magnus pulls his hands away. Sadly, he doesn't stay confused long. 

The haze of pleasure disappears as he watches his nails shrink back to normal length. It's replaced by a feeling like when he was a child and jumped off the high five because the older kids said he was too chicken to.

A drop in his stomach, then water filling his lungs. Drowning him.

His finger tips are covered in blood.

Alec rolls off of him and turns, giving Magnus a perfect view of the ten scratches leaking blood on his pale skin. 

White skin, black runes, bright red blood.

Alec's blood. On his back, on Magnus fingers.

_ Magnus did that. _

_ Oh God  _ Magnus  _ did that. _

His whole body is shaking so hard, he's surprised he's able to stand, much less stumble to the bathroom. 

Luckily his apartment is small and the door isn't far. Once it's locked he slumps on the floor, back resting against the wood.

_ I hurt him. I lost control and I hurt him. His blood is on my hands now. Literally.  _ A little giggle escapes him.

_ His blood is literally on my hands.  _

Magnus shivers. The tile is cold under his socked feet, his pants are thin, and his shirt is in the living room. 

He misses Alec's heat.

_ But you don't deserve that anymore. Nope nope nope. No more warmth for you little puppy monster freak.  _ A voice taunts in his head.  _ You hurt him. Now he'll see how unworthy you are and leave. He's a child of angels, defender of good. But you aren't good. You're a beast. _

His blood hands blur with tears. "I'm sorry.  _ I'm sorry, I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry."  _

A tentative knock rattles the door slightly. "Magnus, baby?"

Alec's voice is so soft and forgiving in a way he doesn't deserve.

" _ I'm sorry."  _ escapes him, half sob half a moan. 

"Magnus angel, please. I'm fine now."

Oh the irony of that petname. Alec used to call him that all the time, smirking. Magnus hadn't understood it for the longest time.

Now that he does, he knows it's it's a filthy lie. Alec is the angel, and Magnus…

Magnus will never again walk hand in hand with his boyfriend under the full moon. Will never again wear silver jewelry or be able to get mad without fear of his eyes glowing green. 

"-an iratze. I'm perfectly healed now. Honestly, Jace has accidentally given me worse in training." Alec is saying. "It's not your fault Mags. Or a big deal. I understand if you don't want to talk, but I'm not leaving baby. I promise."

Of course, of course he's already predicted Magnus' next words. 

A small part of his mind wonders at Alec's habit of using pet names during stressful situations.

True to his word, Alec doesn't leave. Not even after Magnus falls asleep on the floor. 

(Crying really takes a lot out of you.)

While Magnus dreams of blood and horrified faces, Alec unlocks the door and carries him to bed, tucking him in tight under silk sheets and the thick quilt they'd bought together at a farmer's market Magnus hated because it didn't match the sheets. 

"I love you," Alec murmurs to his restless boyfriend. "Claws and fangs and all. And I promise, I'll never run away. There's nothing in this life, or the next, that could scare me away from you."

**+1)**

Magnus is pretty sure their apartment has never been this full.

They've had friends and family over before, but never all of them at once.

Alec's siblings, and Clary and Simon who are inseparable from them. 

Luke and Maia, his pack and family. Maryse, holding hands under the table with Luke in a way that they somehow think is discreet. 

Most unexpectedly, Catarina and her daughter Madzie. He hadn't intended to strike up such a friendship with the warlock nurse who had stitched him up almost a year ago, but it somehow worked. 

And of course Alec. Always Alec. 

"Before we bring out the food, we have an announcement to make." Speaking of Alec.

Maryse smiles widely at them, the only person who knows the real reason behind this dinner party. 

Magnus can't help but grin back before beginning his part if the speech. "Two days ago, the self proclaimed tough ass and current head of the New York Institute that I call the love of my life." He pauses a moment for dramatics. "Purposed to me!"

"We're getting married." Alec declares. It's not a part of their practiced speech, but he's smiling so hard Magnus can't hold it against his fiance.

His  _ fiance.  _ Every time he uses the word, joy bubbles up in his heart, overflowing and spreading through his entire body. 

_ I get to marry this beautiful man. To grow old and die with him by my side.  _ Magnus thinks, giddy.

Their guests all start talking at once.

"Oh my God finally!"

"Have you set a date yet?"

"I  _ knew  _ Alec was up to something."

"Where's it going to be?"

"I get to be a maid of honor right?"

"Congratulations you guys. I can't think of a better couple."

"Thank God, I thought you were about to announce that you were pregnant."

Everyone stops to stare at Jace."You do remember that we're both guys, right?" Alec asks.

The blond Shadowhunter shrugs. "Weirder stuff had happened to us." He points out. "But hey, congrats you guys. I get to be your suggenes right?" 

Alec shakes his head in exasperation. "Sure Jace."

  
  
  


It's almost midnight by the time they kick the last few people out. 

Personally, Magnus could have talked, eaten cookies, and played card games for hours more, but Alec was started to look like he wanted some quiet so Magnus did his duty as  _ fiance  _ and herded everyone towards the door. 

Izzy hugs him hard before she leaves, whispering "Thank you for making my big brother happy."

"It is my honor, and absolute pleasure." He replied honestly.

Once she's safely in the elevator, he goes to find Alec.

The Shadowhunter is on their balcony, his favorite part of the apartment they'd bought together five months ago. 

"Hey"

Alec turns and smiles, opening his arms. Magnus goes great fully into them, snuggling into his future husband, who presses a kiss to him temple.

"Thanks for getting rid of everyone so nicely. Sometimes I forget how great you are at reading me."

"Not always. Remember when I thought you were in the mob?"

They share a laugh at the memory. 

"In my defense, it seemed pretty reasonable at the time." Magnus recalls. "More reasonable that say, angelic demon hunter who looks super sexy hot with a bow."

Alec laughs.

They both fall silent for a while, content to bask in each other's warmth and watch the city below. The moon hangs nearly full, calling out to a part of Magnus that isn't quite as strange and horrible as it used to be.

In a few days he'll wear an old pair of clothes to central park, and when the full moon rises, he'll hunt through the trees with his pack.

Then he'll come back home to strong arms and warm blankets.

"Alec?"

"Hm."

"Do you think, if I hadn't been turned, would we still have all this?"

Magnus can feel the other man exhale. 

"I... honestly have no idea. It wouldn't have been so easy to tell you the truth, certainly. I think that everything would probably be a lot different. Everything but one little detail."

"And what's that." Magnus asks.

"I love you. No matter what. Human or werewolf or anything. I could never stop loving you."

**Author's Note:**

> And that concludes this series. I hope. I really have no control, but I'm going mark it had complete.
> 
> My Tumblr is highladyofgothamcity if you want it 
> 
> Thanks everyone who left kudos and comments on these they mean so much


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